Azula's Answer
by Zamael
Summary: Oneshot. How will Azula respond to the accusations of evil crimes she has committed? With a single word. Rated for dead baby comedy.


A/C: Warning! The story you're about to read is extremely tasteless and stupid humor, and I'd strongly advice you to stop now. If you continue, I won't take any responsibilities if you feel like I have offended you. Even if you manage to read right at the end, shocked and disgusted, it's more than likely that you won't get the joke. Better not read it at all.

Still here? Well, can't say I didn't warn you. Don't forget to R&R, though.

--

There was some crowd in the Fire Lord's palace courtyard today. More crowd, in fact, than in the crowning of the Fire Lord Zuko, which was quite a lot. It was of course the first public execution since Azulon's days, and those always attract curious people, but the one being executed today was none other than princess Azula, who had been finally captured after months of terror and destruction.

She had been bound in shackles on the platform, grinning madly, and being watched by not only the members of the Fire Nation, but also those from the Water Tribes and Earth Kingdom, as well as, reportedly, every single Air Nomad, which admittedly still wasn't very much. Fire Lord Zuko, Fire Lady Mai, and young prince Kuzon had their own balcony, accompanied by their close personal friends, minus Avatar Aang, who had been rumoured to join the main crowd in disguise. He was a strange man. Also there, accompanying Azula on the platform, were Zred, the head judge of the Fire Nation, along with a group of executioners: She was to be burned to death, which was a fast enough way, with powerful firebenders doing the job.

This was also not only the first public execution, but the first execution of any kind on Zuko's reign, mostly thanks to the peaceful and merciful natures of both the Fire Lord and the Avatar. In addition, the event was not supposed to be public at first: Azula was planned to be executed in prison, without anyone but the most important guests watching. But unfortunately, there had been several disturbances, with many people breaking in, wanting to catch a glimpse of the renegade princess before it was too late, until the Fire Lord had become compeletely fed up, and announced the execution to be public. "And if anyone else tries to break in or do anything disturbing at all," he had promised, "I will execute her at that moment personally, and no one will ever see it happen!" This had calmed people down.

And now the big day had come. As mentioned before, countless people were curious enough to turn up. Judge Zred cleared his throat:

"Ahem. We are gathered here today," he spoke in a boring, laconic tone, that would have made Mai proud, "to pass judgement on princess Azula of the Fire Nation," who was grinning and giggling maniacally, "for her horrific crimes against the whole world for the last five months. Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I will now present a short summary of her deeds on that time. Those of you who are young or weak at heart, please note that the following might not be suitable for all listeners. If you think you cannot take it, please put your hands to your ears and do not listen."

There was a short break, during which several watchers did indeed close their ears, some of them going "La la la la I can't hear you" or something like that. Fire Lady Mai brought her own hands to block prince Azulon's hearing, despite the resistance from the latter.

"Well, then," the judge continued. "After the war, princess Azula was put in a mental facility, from which she violently broke free after six years. During this escape, she burned to death every single living being that got on her way, and tortured the head doctor for several hours, before setting the building on fire, closing all the exits, and leaving. There were no survivors." Despite the hideous things he talked about, Zred's voice remained perfectly bored, like he was giving a boring tax report. Several more people closed their ears and refused to hear more.

"From there, she fled to the Ember Island, where she lived for the following months in hiding. She would attack people at night with her knife, gut and flay them on the spot - while the victims are still alive - and leave their skins, innards, and skeletons right there while she took the flesh for herself to cook and eat. She especially liked the brains. She kidnapped admiral Chan's dear son, and raped him continuously for several hours before his heart failed him and he died. When the authorities finally discovered her, they found her in an unstable state, yelling things about how pathetic the boy was to have died that way, and how he should have been able to serve his princess for many days. She then battled our forces, burning many of them - some fatally - before escaping."

Even more people blocked their hearing. Someone had also thrown up. Zred, oblivious to all this, continued: "Azula escaped the island and the nation, hiding on a cargo ship going to the Earth Kingdom. Almost immediately after landing on a small fishing town on the eastern edge of the kingdom, however, she was caught up by Avatar Aang, who engaged her in battle and tried to capture her. She responded by, quite unexpectedly to everyone, exploding violently, destroying the entire village and killing everyone in two-mile radius, over four hundred people. The Avatar survived with his quick reflexes and bending, albeit badly injured. Azula was presumed dead, and the investigations were ended.

"But she had survived. Some weeks later, and several hundred miles northeast, another small town came under attack, with several of its inhabitants violently and messily murdered, and homes bursting in flames for no inexplicable reason. One young girl was kidnapped by Azula, and she kept her in a small cave outside the town for torture. The girl was found from the very same cave several days later, with severe blood loss, multiple cuts and burns, and her eyes and tongue clawed out. Azula, however, had managed to escape further northeast."

He remained stoic and emotionless, but Azula, behind him, was still grinning, and occasionally gave a short laughter, as the judge spoke. "She traveled fast, without stopping anywhere for too long, but neverethless managing a high and gruesome body count, until she eventually reached Ba Sing Se, where she disappeared entirely. She would still appear occasionally, murdering people at night, causing fear and terror in the inhabitants, but vanish into some other part of the city before the authorities arrived. She was nearly captured when she invaded the Earth King's palace, wearing a crude white make-up, demanding back her "rightful place on the throne". She killed countless servants and several Dai Li agents, as well as critically injured the Earth King himself, before fleeing.

"Ultimately, however, she greatly overestimated her abilities by entering the Jasmine Dragon tea shop and trying to capture and imprison her own uncle, Iroh. While he was not powerful enough to defeat her, he proved to be her match in combat, and survived in battle until reinforcements, consisting of the Avatar, the Dai Li, and Fire Lord Zuko, arrived. A violent battle ensued, lasting for several hours and causing significant destruction around much of Ba Sing Se, before the princess was finally captured."

A silence. Fire Lady Mai allowed her son to hear again. Judge Zred, after quite a while, spoke once more, this time at the still madly grinning Azula: "Princess Azula of the Fire Nation: Now that you have heard your own horrific crimes in detail, do you have anything to say in your defense?"

A longer silence occurred. Finally, after a good while, Azula spoke a single word:

"The Aristocrats!"

--

A/C: Yep, as some of you may have figured out, I once again wrote the entire story for the sole reason of giving you that last line. Thanks for being totally nuts and reading it all, despite my warnings.


End file.
